Goodbye Dad.
July 31, 2006 
Sometime during the night, my dad died.
The pic here was taken several years ago (5 or more, I think). But it's one of the very few that I have that shows all of my brothers and me and our dad (from the left, that's my younger brother Mike, older brother Pat, my dad, me, and oldest Bob). I've also got 2 younger sisters, but didn't know how they'd feel about having their pics posted. The brothers can deal with it :) ...so right now there's a real odd blend of emotions inside. My mom died over 20 years ago, and the grandparents had all died some years before that. It's always a time of forced reflection when friend or family pass on. I've been doing my share of crying today - partly from thinking back on being little, when my dad was around, and we would all often play together. He did truly enjoy spending time with his kids. And some of the grieving is from thinking of the choices he made that tore the family apart - that devastated my mom - and that leave me in large part looking at his life as one of huge potential ...with so much unrealized.
My dad was a great 'people person'. He spent most of his life as a newspaper advertising exec. He had a very keen sense of humor. I do think I got some of my ample BS and the sense of humor from him. Since our family name is 'Little' (my wife and I combined letters from our names and I changed mine to Litton when we got married), we always referred to our bad puns as 'Little Humor'. Dad had a zest for life, loving to travel, play tennis, be on in or near the water, get together with friends and family. He moved to Florida after leaving a newspaper job in Washington state. Shirley and I first saw Florida when we came down to visit my dad and his wife after my mom had died.
My dad, like most folks, was not perfect. I remember being in the early grades of school, and my folks seemed happy ...although periodically when walking past their room in the morning, I'd see a note on the vanity that he'd left for my mom during the night ...saying that he'd gone out for a drive. That's what he'd do when they'd fight. I'm guessing he'd gather his things for work and go out driving for a while until it was time for work. By the time I was past the first few grades, he had other relationships going. I remember my mom crying. A lot. My mom was the first of 3 wives, and the deception and selfishness that my siblings and I eventually recognized in my dad was hard for all of us to take.
He and his 3rd wife had split up several years ago, so his last few years were spent living with one of my brothers, scraping by on about $900 each month of Social Security. He enjoyed life a little TOO much ...never putting away anything for retirement. Over the years I'd caught him in too many lies, and hurting too many people to be able to have much respect for him. I last spoke with him about a month ago. We got along OK, but (along with at least one or two siblings) I'd finally realized that there was no point hoping for him to change. All we really wanted was honesty. He did honestly love us all and I know he was proud of his kids and grandkids and wanted only the best for us all.
In addition to the humor and some social skills (ok, some would differ on the terminology ;-) ...my dad was indirectly responsible for me being determined that when I got married, it would be a lasting relationship. I vowed to myself that I would never cause someone else the pain and anguish and loneliness that my mom suffered.
*sigh*
So later this week, I'll head back up to Washington. A brother from North Dakota will be coming over. The six siblings will all be together again for the first time in a few years ...to say goodbye to our dad, to reminisce about our times together ...to laugh together and to grieve together.
Life and love can sure be messy.
Misc
Reader Comments (24)
Peace.
You are in our thoughts and prayers. The legacy our parents leave us is definitely a profoundly phenomenal, almost never-ending, mix of pain and wisdom. I am truly sorry for the pain your father caused and probably felt in his life and I hope that you will find some solace and healing with his passing.
Here's to you-Paula
I'm so sorry to hear of your dad's passing. Thanks for sharing your story.
-Jim
-Devin.
Thanks for your honest sharing. Your dad had many wonderful gifts, but he was no saint. I am glad you are able to see the good and the bad.
The best thing he left behind was six pretty great kids. You all have so many of the good qualities of both your mother and your father. I love all of you and am grateful to have you as in-laws.
See you soon. I look forward to being there with all of you and as Shirley says, I hope I can, "listeni more than speak." I hope I can be there for my in-laws.
Love,Barb
Remember the positives that were, and not the loss that is..
---* Bill
You have built a beautiful legacy for him, in what you and Shirley have in your family. Time has a way of softening hard memories, and I am sure you will always hold a special place for your dad in your heart.
Once again, hang in there - you're a great man, and you have the strength to share.
The Olivers are thinking of you.
-- Rock
Hi Joe - my condolences. I hope the family time together becomes a healing time for all of you. All the best.
Not UnderstoodBy James Brunton Stephens6/17/1835 - 6/29/1902------------------------------------
Not understood, we move along asunder;Our paths grow wider as the seasons creepAlong the years; we marvel and we wonderWhy life is life, and then we fall asleepNot understood.
Not understood, we gather false impressionsAnd hug them closer as the years go by;Till virtues often seem to us transgressions;And thus men rise and fall, and live and dieNot understood.
Not understood! Poor souls with stunted visionOft measure giants with their narrow gauge;The poisoned shafts of falsehood and derisionAre oft impelled 'gainst those who mould the age,Not understood.
Not understood! The secret springs of actionWhich lie beneath the surface and the show,Are disregarded; with self-satisfactionWe judge our neighbours, and they often goNot understood.
Not understood! How trifles often change us!The thoughtless sentence and the fancied slightDestroy long years of friendship, and estrange us,And on our souls there falls a freezing blight;Not understood.
Not understood! How many breasts are achingFor lack of sympathy! Ah! day by dayHow many cheerless, lonely hearts are breaking!How many noble spirits pass away,Not understood.
O God! that men would see a little clearer,Or judge less harshly where they cannot see!O God! that men would draw a little nearerTo one another, - they'd be nearer Thee,And understood.